Today’s music selection is none other than the #14 song on the Hot 100, Dance (A$$) by Big Sean.  First off, if you have to name yourself “Big Sean”, there are probably some self confidence issues going on.  Why yes, I am talking about your penis.  Someone had to point it out…

So getting to the song, I would like to dive right into these lyrics.  So cleverly crafted.  In the very beginning, something catches my ear that doesn’t sound quite right.  He says (yes, all he does is talk in this song…I wish I had his talent.  Unfortunately I was cursed with intelligence, so my chance of making millions is severely decreased), “I’m st-stacking my paper my wallet look like a bible.”  Woah Big Sean.  Hold up.  How dare you accuse money of being made of paper, when it is clearly 25 percent linen, and 75 percent cotton.  You cheap fucking bastard.

The fact that it’s #14 on the list doesn’t really surprise me, because people apparently are obsessed with shit, so I’ve been numbed to this appalling figure.  But what is much more important than that silly little #14, is the #69.  This song’s ranking on the BILLBOARD CANADIAN HOT 100.  What I would do to be #69 on the Canadian Hot 100.  You don’t want to know.

It’s comment time.  So some other little…you know…prick for lack of a better term, thinks he’s all that by posting a scathing comment about this song on the Billboard page.  So FUCK YOU thedubber3000 (what is it with these people and screen names?).  This is his oh-so-hilarious (if you couldn’t tell that was dripping with sarcasm) comment.  ”You;’re joking right?  This song is just… hilariously awful.  ’Give me all your money and give me your residuals and slap it on my ass.’  God, this thing is just, hysterical, yet…. terrible.  That’s the only way I see people liking it, because it is hilariously bad, to a point where it is like Tommy Wiseau…”

Bitch, you are an idiot.  First off, there’s no semi-colon in “you’re”.  Second, the overuse of commas and ellipses for effect is just,…hilarious.  Third, find a better word than “hilarious”.  Fourth, DO NOT USE THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN.  No totally kidding on that one, do it all you want.  Fifth, I would like to point out the four dot technique after the word “yet” and before the word “terrible”.  For all of you who read my first post, we learned a little lesson about this one.  And lastly, that is the weakest ending to a comment I have ever seen.  Yeah, let’s get them with intellect, dubber, that’ll send ‘em reeling with laughter.  You sir, have been dubbed bitch, and this is how you end a comment.  End.

Now come on…what kind of person would I be to be trashing shit songs, and leave this beauty out?  Worry not, it is happening.  Be prepared Maroon 5.

I’m actually at a loss of how to even start this review.  It’s #13 on the Hot 100.  I’m actually shaking my head at that staggering figure.  13.  As in the top twenty.  Songs.  What the fuck.

31 weeks this song has been on the charts!  What the fuck again.  It’s so bad I can’t even think of anything to really say about it.  I’m just not sure how proud I would be to sing over and over how I can dance like a burnt out 68 year old rock star.  But hey, some people like it kinky.

Also, I had to go to the third page of comments on the Billboard site to find a comment worthy enough to be featured on here.  What struck me about this comment was the sheer passion.  It’s rare to find someone so staunch in their love of a song.  This comment, submitted by tiaracrown27 (thrice what the fuck now…tiaracrown?  Some other examples of names like this…pantslacks81, jacketcoat44, penisdick69…you get the idea), claims that this song is the “best song ever.”  Actually all it said was “best song ever”.  The simplicity and fire behind this comment gives me chills.  It’s great to see a true fan.

But…best song ever?  I have the audacity to say that Sexy and I Know It surpasses this song in quality.  And you all know how I feel about that one.

Today’s review revolves around possibly the most pretentious people I’ve ever seen (besides Kanye…you will always be at the top of the hate list), LMFAO.  Just their name in itself is awful.  LMFAO??  The fact that something like that can be passed off as a name is just sad.  We’ll see if my barbershop quartet called LOL goes anywhere.

This song is featured at #7 on Billboard’s Hot 100, and has been on the list for 21 weeks.  21 WEEKS.  I get sick of this song after hearing it once, so what the hell does everyone see in it?  Oh right.  ”It has a good beat” (grunts the neanderthal quarterback in the high school locker room) or something like that.  Obviously, a highlight of these posts are the comments people leave about these songs, and this one’s no different.

Submitted by keshaknowsmusic on this song’s page on Billboard is, “goood song!But not a apporatie message!)”

Umm.  Okay.

Let me start by saying I appreciate the screen name you chose, because Kesha is a badass.  I respect that.  Where I lose all respect for you is when you open your mouth.  You were doing so well with just the name.  Three o’s in ‘good’ clearly shows how enthused this person is about the song, and rightly so!  The lyrics arouse me.  Just feast your eyes on this.  ”I pimp to the beat, walking down the street in my new lafreak, yeah.  This is how I roll, animal print, pants out control.”  AROUSED!  But I would like to ask my millions of readers to simply say this out loud, as a sentence, without any song-like fluctuation in your voice.  You sound like an idiot.  Also, English might not be this person’s (keshaknowsmusic) area of expertise, but don’t count that against them.  They are trying to instill good, wholesome values in the youth of America.  You go keshaknowsmusic.  You go.

How does one “pimp to the beat”, and what is a “lafreak”?  These questions toy with my mind at night as I lay awake, restlessly quarreling with these conundrums.  Then the flash of animal print pants enters my mind, and I know…This song should never have existed.

This song (sadly and shockingly) did not make Billboard’s Hot 100, but this little gem should by no means be passed up.  Let us begin.

Willow.  Willow.  I thought you had reached rock bottom when you were whippin’ your hair back and forth.  I was wrong.  Very wrong.

Let’s take a look at these powerful lyrics.  Opening the song (on a damn strong note if I might add) she says, “Uhm, hello, can we get the party started, yeah!”  Bravo Willow.  Enticing your listeners with the prospects of a party?!  Someone’s got some marketing skills…And can we please just talk about this party that she is apparently the fireball of?  Just imagine, if you will, she and her “fresh crew”, “rolling up” (probably in a minivan) to this party.  They step out, looking “fly”, to be greeted by her other “homies” where they commence making chocolate milkshakes, watching Spongebob, and going to bed at 10 o’ clock (alright, I’ll be completely honest, that party sounds bitchin’).  But that’s beside the point, THE POINT IS that it is not hard to be the fireball of a party like that.  And she’s 11.

Since it is not on the Billboard’s Hot 100, there obviously isn’t a page where people can leave comments, so I (being me) did a little detective work, and made my way over to the official song on YouTube, to a page overflowing with brilliant thoughts of the millions of viewers.  But there was one comment that struck a chord in my heart.  This comment addresses the only issue I have with the video (besides the lyrics, and the fact that she’s eleven, and the dancing, and the entire thing).  This is THE ONE THING I LOOK AT WHEN I WATCH THE VIDEO.  So thank you Georgia37503 for pointing this little nugget out, “Willow might wanna do her laces up on her boots, the tongue of her boots is flapping about everywhere!”  It’s hard hitting issues like these that boost my confidence in the human race.  It really is.

This latest installment of the Smith empire isn’t quite what the music world, or anyone really, needed.  But hey, she’s a fuckin’ fireball, what can I do.

One post a day is not enough, so multiple it shall be.

Debuting at #3 on Billboard’s Hot 100, is probably the most annoying song to ever be played on the radio.  Good Feeling by Flo Rida.  Is that a pun on Florida, or is he just an idiot?  I’m not sure, someone in the hip hop community should enlighten me on this enigma.  Good Feeling, a very very very very ironic title (see how I incorporated repetition?  That’s all this song is.  A repetition of the same words.  If you didn’t know.)  

In my last post, I enriched your lives with a comment on the Billboard page from a loving listener of Adele, and this time is no different.  Posting three of the first six comments on the page, is Flo Rida advocate ADKIc3mAnX360, a clear fan, saying…nay, demanding, “Everyone call your radio stations and request Good Feeling And buy it on iTunes or Amazon.”  Well fuck…I’ll do it just because you capitalized the ‘a’ in ‘And’!  AND there was no exclamation point after this excited request, a bold move my friend.

The fact that he says “oh” 22 times should tell you something.  I’m not sure about you, but even half that amount of “oh’s” gets me VERY excited.  Good call Flo.  Good call.

But in all serious, don’t buy this on iTunes, OR Amazon for that matter.  This song is bad enough to deserve an even worse cliche (wtf my font changed and I have no idea how to change it back, just kidding it’s fixed), this song will not give you a good feeling.